Gave 'Em a Shot at a Perfect Score

This morning, Debbie and I went out to breakfast at  Eggshells Cafe, and I decided to give them a shot at a perfect score since they didn't score very well with the Country Benedict last time I was there.  Everything just seemed right.  That Shelby wasn't with us was the only obvious impediment to perfection.  I finished mowing the lawn in the early morning, took a shower, and avoided work by taking my wife out for breakfast.  Even though the sky was threatening rain, we decided to sit outside at a hightop table, something Debbie usually doesn't prefer.  She's short, so her feet often don't reach the rungs on the chair.  She was fine.  I should have taken that for the omen it was, but I just didn't.

Now, if you were to read my other blog 100 in 365, you'd know that I'm 25 days into trying to lose 100 lbs. in 365 days.  Doing pretty well, too.  Down about 8 lbs, but my butt's girthy, and I had to wedge it between the arms of the chair.  That lasted about 45 seconds until I wiggled out of the trap and perched on the edge of my seat.  For a moment, I thought I was going to have to chew off one of the arms of the chair to get out, but I realized that was a gymnastic impossibility for me.  People who have 100 lbs. or so to lose, and there are a lot of us, know exactly what I'm talking about.  When I pulled the chair out to sit in it, I realized it was made of aluminum and weighed about the same as a lawnchair.  Lawnchairs have tried valiantly to support my girth for many summers, but few have been up to the challenge.

A couple of summers ago, I sat in a very sturdy lawnchair, but it had narrow tubing for legs and feet only about the circumference of a quarter.  When I first sat down and put my beer on the ground, I thought, This chair's too high; I can't reach my beer.  Awhile and a beer or two later, I realized that my beer was getting easier and easier to reach.  At the end of the party, when I tried to pick up my chair to put it on the porch, I realized that I'd driven it into the ground a good three inches.  That chair's probably still there like the sword in the stone.

I need to be careful about what I eat, but one of my goals is to eat better.  To me, that means good food, not just dirt vegetables.  For breakfast, I decided to eat simply, chew a lot, cut back on the sugar in my coffee, and wash it down with water--a short stack of buttermilk pancakes, a side order of bacon, coffee with skimmed milk, and water.  Of course, there was butter and syrup, but I was able to forego the powdered sugar.  I'll get back to the butter in a second.



Sitting outside, talking to my lovely wife, the scent of rain, a fresh-mowed lawn at home, coffee--sounds good to me.  My pancakes appeared to be cooked in the bacon fat from my side order.  You'd think I'd love that, and I should, but when I asked for butter, something I shouldn't have had to do, there was--well--something on the edge of it inside the little cup.  My wife told me it was just some residual bacon grease from the spatula, and I tried to make myself okay with that.  If I had done it at my house, that's the part I would've eaten first, but something about it didn't strike me as right.



Eggshells' Pancakes

So, here's how I'm scoring my breakfast:  The pancakes were hot and good and only $3.25.  You can see how good this could get, but I've got to add some penalty pennies--100 of them for the seat.  My butt still hurts after only 45 seconds of exposure.  Well, exposure to the seat, anyway.  Twenty-five for making me ask for butter and another 25 for the bacon fat enhancement on the side and another 25 for my bacon being all stuck together.  Stuck together bacon wouldn't be a problem for me at all if I were making it myself at home, but this bacon cost me more than my pancakes.  Separate the bacon slices.

Bottom line:  $3.25 + 1.00 + 25 + 25 +25 = $5.00  All things considered, a very good score.  It wouldn't take much to hit the sweet spot with this spot.

By the way, I want to like this place.  The owners seem to have their heads in the right spot.  I wish them the very best in their endeavor to keep this place up and running.  It's very popular.  Try the donuts!

How Near Perfection Yet So Far

This is the breakfast I eat 5 days out of seven--Cheerios, blackberries, a cup of coffee with an equal part of skimmed milk and two tablespoons of raw sugar.  Yes, those are Honey Nut Cheerios, so the sugar content of the whole breakfast is exceptionally high.  The coffee's 71 cents, the milk 56 cents, 73 cents for the Cheerios, 1.39 for the blackberries, and 8 cents for the sugar.  That's $3.47 simply for the cost.  Now, I have to penalize for three things: 1) I put this together myself which means buying and preparing it. The only thing I like about that is that I get exactly the cup of coffee I want everytime; 2) I eat it at the office, so the service is bad; and 3) The ambiance is what you'd expect in an office.

Bottom Line:  $3.47 + 1.00 for having to make it myself -.25 because I always get the coffee exactly right + 1.00 for the cranky service + 2.00 for the bad seat (stool) and poor ambience = $7.22
Nobody should eat breakfast sitting on a stool or eat with a blue plastic spoon.  Have you ever seen a bigger mug of coffee?

Lynn's Paradise Cafe, 984 Barret Avenue, Louisville, Kentucky

Lynn's Paradise Cafe needs no help from me to get the word out that this is probably the best place to eat breakfast in North America.  There is nothing not to enjoy about this place.  It's worth a weekend trip to Louisville just to eat a meal or two here.  The wait staff is friendly, funny, courteous--quite frankly everything you'd ever hope to have in a favorite breakfast place.  When they heard my phone chirping and saw me taking pictures, they were immediately curious about "The Perfect $4.00 Breakfast."  They laughed about the premise of the blog and gave me a press kit.

I ordered the Kentucky Farmer Scramble with coffee and orange juice.  It's everything you see right here. I have no recollection of how much I paid for breakfast, so it's impossible for me to give them a real score, but I promise you that whatever you order here will be satisfying and delicious.

I'll be back in Louisville in June, and I'll make up for not reviewing the Kentucky Farmer Scramble as thoroughly as I should have, but you'll find Lynn's recipe at http://www.foodnetwork.com/.  That's not surprising.  Owner Lynn Winter and staff are just that generous.

McDonalds, Every 4 Blocks. If you can't find one, don't tell anybody because you live in paradise.

McDonalds doesn't count, except that Sausage Biscuit. What is that thing? It's a dollar's worth of what the hell! It must be made of butter, salt, fat, and cholesterol--my favorite things.  I only allow myself one every other week or so, but McDonalds will never score the perfect $4.00 because of the lack of atmosphere and poor service.  I realize they're not even trying in these categories, and I'm glad they're not.  I might not be able to resist several more Sausage Biscuits a month.

This morning, I had my favorite McDonalds breakfast:  a sausage biscuit and a small coffee with 2 packets of Equal, served in a large cup so that I can fill it the rest of the way with milk. The price comes in at $3.21, but I have to penalize them for trying to upsell me at the squawk box--1.00.  Another 1.00 penalty for not being attentive to me at the payment window. I have to say that the server at the pickup window was cheerful--not my usual experience at McDonalds driveup windows. She said good morning and how are you, but no thank you.  How do you forget that?  I'm not going to penalize her for the oversight.  Most people are rude beyond belief at the driveup windows, but I wasn't, and a thank you was called for.

That means the Bottom Line is $3.21 + 1.00 + 1.00 = $5.21.

Egg Shells, 596 West Route 22, Lake Zurich, Illinois 60047

This one's a keeper. I ordered the Belgian Waffle the first time, probably because Shelby wasn't with me, and I missed him, but that's not what I usually order for breakfast. The second time, I ordered a simple breakfast, bacon and pancakes. Also good, but Debbie order this breakfast abondanza called the Country Benedict, a cross between Eggs Benedict and Bisquits and Gravy. It came with donut holes and something else. I'll give you a full review as soon as I go back and order the Country Benedict.

I should let you know that this place has the potential to score below a Perfect $4.00. It's the only place I've been in the suburbs that can even come close. IF that happens, you may never know because the rules of the game preclude announcing a score below a Perfect $4.00 so that the place doesn't get cluttered with other cheap-skates. Only about 10 tables, so elbow room is at a premium.

The Cubby Hole Cafe, Richmond, Illinois

I should have taken Mpls Jim's suggestion and not ordered biscuits and gravy in the North, but just wait until Shelby puts up his review of the Belgian waffle.

Egg Harbor Cafe, 210 S. Cook St., Barrington, Illinois

Tell me how good this is. Rumors of a big snow started on Wednesday. 1-3 inches in the Northwestern suburbs, they said. More in the South. The snowfall started early in the afternoon on Thursday, not a good sign since snow removal happens toot-sweet in Chicago, but the forecast had been changed to a possible 10 inches with the snow not letting up until Friday afternoon. Got up in the middle of the night to do a little snow dance, and it looked like it backfired on me. The clock went off at 5:15 and still no call. Took my shower and got all the way to clean socks and underwear at 6:03 AM before the call came for a SNOW DAY! Instead of going back to bed, I browsed my favorite news outlets and played a little online backgammon until everyone else got up.

Here's the best part. Our wonderful neighbors plowed our driveway for us, so we went out for breakfast at one of the most popular spots in town. We were greeted at the door with warm handshakes and hugs from our favorite waiter. We were seated by the space heater in the front room and served one fine breakfast. Practically had the place to ourselves.

I had a bacon, onion, tomato, and spinach skillet, two eggs over easy, an English muffin, and coffee with cream and lots of raw sugar--the kind in the little, brown wrapper. Remember, I don't really like coffee, just mocha-flavored sweet, warm milk, and it was cream in this case. Finished breakfast several hours ago, and I still feel comforted by the meal. I'm not really complaining, but I do feel duty-bound to say a couple of things: 1) I couldn't taste the bacon in my skillet, and 2) My eggs weren't as runny as I like them. I'm not going to criticize the coffee because who am I to say what's good or not. They serve a bacon and onion skillet, and I ordered an upgrade to a BOTS deal. Our waiter figured out the cheapest way to charge me for the additional ingredients, and I really appreciated that.

This place hops almost every day of the week. Lines can be out the door even on cold days, so plan accordingly. The scoring for my meal begins at 6.95 for the bacon and onion skillet. Remember, Shelby and I don't factor in sides and upgrades in the cost of the core meal. I'm knocking off a whopping .50 for superb service. Even though the coffee and water pitchers sat right in front of me, our waiter did most of the work, never pouring more than a cup of coffee in these giant clay mugs so that my coffee would stay hot. This was a good one! You'll have to wait for Shelby's review. He's snowmobiling with friends today. Final score 6.45